Hard to Handle

Yesterday was nice. I didn’t feel a god damn thing. For once, I was numb. Now, I feel everything. I have no headphones to drown out the noise… I forgot to bring them with me. Why do I feel so terrible about this? Was I wrong? Did I make a mistake somewhere? Perhaps it’s the little visit I took down memory lane. All the things I miss, the things I want, and the things I need. 

I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it seems like I’m in these situations all the time. I jump headfirst into something I think I have enough knowledge for and then, BOOM. The realization hits that I have no knowledge at all, I was very wrong and people are accidentally hurt in the process. 

I’m currently trying to avoid the situation because I really don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to even see it. It’s like having a pink elephant in the room; I know it’s there, but I refuse to look at it. I wanted to think that maybe I could be less intense and less in need of intensity. I wanted to think that perhaps I could compromise on some of the things I believe. In reality, I could not do any of that. I can’t change the fact that I have a lot of demons that I face and I can’t hide them, no matter how hard I try. 

I try to imagine what will happen in about an hour or two. Should I take a different hallway to escape the whole thing entirely or should I do what I normally do and not run away like a scared little girl? I don’t want to run or hide, but I start to panic, thinking of the things he might say and what I might say. I never meant to hurt him, if he is hurt anyway. He truly is a decent person, he just wasn’t what I was looking for. 

He wouldn’t understand the things I’ve been through, the places I’ve come from. And I get that because he hasn’t been through any of that. Besides, he’s leaving in a couple months and I am unable to maintain a relationship from afar. He needs someone innocent and fragile, unlike myself. I don’t like the fact that I have caused a chaotic confusion for him and everyone else. 

Maybe, my friend is right: I do over-think everything. But I cannot live a lie and suppress the parts of me that they don’t want to see. I thought for once, I had caught a break. And now I see that I haven’t. If anything I have let myself get caught in a net. 

All in all, I’m attending prom by myself. Perhaps, it’s better that way.

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HELP!

If anybody is even reading this, I need your help. Have you ever wanted to say I love you to someone that you are dating, but you’ve only known each other well for a couple months? Has the urge to say that ever been so overpowering that it almost slips out of your mouth every time you see that person? If you guys could please tell me what to do about this, I would be grateful. The advice that I was given, well, let’s just say I need more experienced people to help me here. I had this problem at the beginning and it has now gotten a lot harder to seal my mouth. It’s like a natural thing. My brain just automatically thinks that when I see him. And I don’t know why. I don’t know how to not feel so weird about feeling like this. I don’t even know if this is normal. HELP!! SOS!!