Hard to Handle

Yesterday was nice. I didn’t feel a god damn thing. For once, I was numb. Now, I feel everything. I have no headphones to drown out the noise… I forgot to bring them with me. Why do I feel so terrible about this? Was I wrong? Did I make a mistake somewhere? Perhaps it’s the little visit I took down memory lane. All the things I miss, the things I want, and the things I need. 

I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it seems like I’m in these situations all the time. I jump headfirst into something I think I have enough knowledge for and then, BOOM. The realization hits that I have no knowledge at all, I was very wrong and people are accidentally hurt in the process. 

I’m currently trying to avoid the situation because I really don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to even see it. It’s like having a pink elephant in the room; I know it’s there, but I refuse to look at it. I wanted to think that maybe I could be less intense and less in need of intensity. I wanted to think that perhaps I could compromise on some of the things I believe. In reality, I could not do any of that. I can’t change the fact that I have a lot of demons that I face and I can’t hide them, no matter how hard I try. 

I try to imagine what will happen in about an hour or two. Should I take a different hallway to escape the whole thing entirely or should I do what I normally do and not run away like a scared little girl? I don’t want to run or hide, but I start to panic, thinking of the things he might say and what I might say. I never meant to hurt him, if he is hurt anyway. He truly is a decent person, he just wasn’t what I was looking for. 

He wouldn’t understand the things I’ve been through, the places I’ve come from. And I get that because he hasn’t been through any of that. Besides, he’s leaving in a couple months and I am unable to maintain a relationship from afar. He needs someone innocent and fragile, unlike myself. I don’t like the fact that I have caused a chaotic confusion for him and everyone else. 

Maybe, my friend is right: I do over-think everything. But I cannot live a lie and suppress the parts of me that they don’t want to see. I thought for once, I had caught a break. And now I see that I haven’t. If anything I have let myself get caught in a net. 

All in all, I’m attending prom by myself. Perhaps, it’s better that way.

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